My Kryptonite

We're home from the hospital. Reagan was treated w/ a super-duper cocktail of steroids, albuterol, rocephin, fluids & oxygen. He's feeling better & now Rowan is sick. The only reason I feel ok about it is that I now know exactly what to do for him. I'm ok w/ all illness except when breathing issues are involved. Blame my traumatic youth in which my younger brother was life-flighted 2 times in front of me & was always having these horrible breathing issues. Eventually he got a pacemaker & all was well. But the lingering helplessness has affected me apparently because that's a soft spot for me. I'm impervious to vomit, fever, the runs..whatever. But respiratory distress of any kind is my Kryptonite (spell check for all you sci-fi fans?). It makes me nervous & very unsure of what to do next. Reagan turned a very funky purple-gray color. It wasn't blue so I thought ok..we're not that bad off. Not true. Purple-gray is bad. I guess I wanted the movie style "he's blue" type scenario. His lips & eyes were purple around the edges & he looked very pathetic. I figured instead of the very dramatic ambulance call I had time to get him there myself. I threw him in the car & drove to the ER. Greg was already home because I'd called him. He was taken back right away because by the time we got there he was vomiting & had worse color. After they checked his pulse & Oxygen (one too high, one too low) he was taken back right away & all was good. Usually I cannot be shaken w/ my kids. With Reid I learned early they look to me for assurance. I remember when Reid was at Shriner's & they had to scrub him every day..I was a rock. After everything was over I'd go in the hall & cry w/ all the other parents but during that I was in the moment for him. Encouraging, strong..you get the point. But this time I felt very...out of control & nervous. Especially when his Oxygen kept going below 90. The magic # is 92 they said. When it went all the way down to 88 I felt so helpless. I found out my kids can burn their hand practically off, cut their eye open & have surgery in front of me, & whatever else. But having a breathing issue is out of the question. I hope they listen.